Introspective McGee

I'm stubborn. And I'm okay with that. I think I'm right most of the time (most of the time I am). I know that I'm stubborn and frankly, I applaud my self-awareness. But sometimes, the stubbornness gets out of hand. Like just the other day I said to someone that Philip Seymour Hoffman didn't deserve to win the Academy Award...even though I haven't seen Capote. Instead of just saying I didn't want him to win, I insisted that Heath or Joaquin deserved to win more. And although I don't defend him anymore, I was like the last person on earth (well, me and Macaulay) to really admit to the SHADINESS of Michael Jackson. And, you know, I still think my parents love my sister more than me, despite the constant assurances that in fact, they love me more. I think my stubbornness stems mostly from a combination of blind loyalty and self-aggrandizement, quite the delicious combo if you ask me (it should be the new #3 meal at McD's). Although I'm sure it can be frustrating to others, I don't think my stubbornness serves me badly (although I think the phrasing of that sentence does). Being stubborn enables me to vigorously and adamantly tackle certain topics on which perhaps my persistent tone and insistence do not match the merit of the argument. Some examples: people who prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate are lesser, Philip Roth and Woody Allen are not at all misogynists, the show Lost is overrated, and Oksana Baiul is smarter than George W. Bush. See, stubbornness is awesome.

My friend Willa once made this ridiculously on-point call about me. I forget her exact wording, but the gist of it was that I am easily thrown, i.e. I do not have a quick adjustment rate if things change or go wrong, i.e. I am like the opposite of unflappable. And unlike my stubbornness, which I'm basically fine with, my lack of unflappability is something that bothers me. Well, that's a made-up word, but you get the point. I would like to be "persistently calm, whether when facing difficulties or experiencing success; not easily upset or excited." Right now, as opposed to exhibiting a persistent calm, I'm more of an emotional, sensitive, neurotic, slow-to-adapt Jew. (Just thought I'd throw one positive thing in there. For as you know, Jews rule). My flappableness (and yes, somewhere a dictionary is weeping) rears its ugly head in various instances: receiving an uncool email can put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, a cancelled meeting or appointment renders me out of alignment, showing up to a bar or restaurant that is closed for a private party provokes dismay and confusion even though there are 93 bars and restaurants within walking distance, finding out that Aaron Sorkin is leaving The West Wing provokes a sit-in on my own couch, spilling coffee on myself makes me want to die, the list goes on. I wouldn't change the fact that I am a sensitive person, but I would prefer not to be so easily affected by everything. Plans go awry, so what. I'm TOUGH. I grew up in New York City for fuckssake (Upper East Side), I went to school in Da Bronx (Riverdale), I live on my own (I bring my laundry to my parents' apartment).

But seriously, it's all good, everything is FINE. It's not like an election was stolen, or our ozone layer is a doiley, or I am without a boyfriend...Oh wait...No, it's okay, I'm good. I can adjust to anything and everything, I can quicken my response time. I have faith that I can embrace change if I set my mind to it. I know when I'm wrong, it's not like I'm set in my ways, dependent on plans, or stubborn in any way. Oh, hmm...I see. It appears all this is connected. That's annoying. Well, it's a good thing I'm so self-aware, it only took me the duration of this entire blog to realize that my proverbial pro & con were connected. Awesome.