Thank You For Riding The MTA
While watching Grey's Anatomy on Sunday night, I couldn't help but witness the numerous promos for the 11 o'clock news, the lead story being the announcement of new rules for the subway, going into immediate effect. Normally, I don't watch the 11 o'clock news, because as my Dad once said "who wants to watch that crap and then be fucking depressed right before you go to sleep." My 11pm viewing used to be Seinfeld repeats, now it's The Daily Show. But neither are on on Sunday nights, plus I was intrigued about these new rules, especially because the looming voice-over kept repeating "your morning cup of coffee could cost you $100." I think a venti at Starbucks is already like $75, but I did wonder about the additional charges. So I tuned in, and learned the new MTA rules (and some old rules that they are now threatening to actually enforce). Below please find my thoughts on these rules, as well as my own suggestions for rules that seem to be of greater necessity. And please remember, according to the MTA website, if anyone is caught doing any of the below activities, "the NYPD or Transit Authority police can fine you up to $100 and/or eject you from the system." Eject you from the system? What is this, Nintendo? The Matrix? Sorry, I got distracted, here's the list:
Moving in between subway cars using the end doors is now prohibited at all times.
I approve of this rule. I'm glad that they realized that standing on that tiny piece of platform in between cars with only a loose chain link nothingness to hold onto isn't safe. But there is one problem - if for any reason you really need to change cars (no AC in the subway car you chose in the summer, a terrible horrible no good smell in the subway car you chose in any season, etc), what to do? I've tried to change subway cars through the normal doors, when the train has arrived at a stop destination, and I may very well be retarded, but there doesn't seem to be enough time. It's happened to me before - I step out of my subway car and run to another car, only to have the doors close in my face. And I scan the cars to find the closest conductor fellow, and I swear, he's always looking right at me, stifling a laugh.
Jumping the turnstile is not permitted, even if your MetroCard or the turnstile malfunctions.
This is funny. Did people really jump the turnstile, get caught, and blame their MetroCard? I thought only hooligans sans MetroCards jumped the turnstile. I'm kidding, sort of. But seriously, maybe they should work on the acute sensitivity of the scanning device, because it is quite annoying when you can see that your train is arriving and you get the dreaded "please swipe again at this turnstile" message. I've gotten quite adept at swiping, but those tourist folks have real problems - they swipe too fast, too slow, or in the wrong direction - and it often holds up the line.
Riders cannot place bags on an empty seat.
Well, duh. Do people really do this when the train is crowded? I mean, I understand putting your bag next to you if there are a ton of empty seats and no one wants to sit there, but this rule seems unnecessary. I think I'm correct in my assumption that if a New Yorker wants to sit down and there is a bag on the seat, he/she is not afraid to say, "excuse me" while nodding at the offending bag, or even "hey douchebag, pick up your motherfucking bag, I'm tired and I need to sit down." When the car is crowded, people will just sit on top of your bag. People don't even ask you to move over anymore, they often just squeeze into the lilliputian space in between you and another person and hope for the best.
Riders cannot put their feet up on other chairs or take up more than one seat by spreading one's legs apart.
This rule sounds dirty. Obviously no one should put their feet up, but how do you assess if someone's legs are spread too much apart? Is the Transit Authority going to walk around with rulers, measuring the space between your knees? Ick.
Sipping from an open container (even a cup of coffee) is prohibited.
We've arrived at the rule that the News chose to tease in the promo, and it makes sense, given that our culture is coffee-obsessed. I include myself in that category, I get lame, probably psychosomatic, caffeine-headaches when I skip my morning cup. But who drinks coffee from an open container on the subway? I'm assuming that the little peep hole in the plastic tops doesn't count as an "open container" so let's be frank, MTA, this really applies to alcohol, doesn't it? And so, the question remains, is it still considered an "open container" when a nice, sturdy, brown paper bag is surrounding it? I think we need some clarification. We also need clarification on the overall rule, since one publication I read seemed to imply that no beverages were allowed on the subway at all anymore, and that seems unreasonable.
Along with alerting us passengers of the new rules, the MTA reiterated that the NYPD and Transit Authority will be, starting on December 5th, strongly enforcing all the rules, new and old. I can think of a couple other/better things for the NYPD to be doing, but I guess that's not my call to make. So it is with this "promise of reinforcement" in mind that I present to you -
My Recommendations for Additional New Rules:
No urinating, no masturbating, no throwing up, and no falling asleep due to intoxication and then resting your head on my shoulder.
For some reason, all four of these activities bother me more than say, someone's bag on the seat or someone's legs not tightly shut.
No rats on the subway tracks.
Here's a tip, MTA. When the rats are actually bigger in size than Michael Bloomberg, it's time to address the problem. Granted it's sort of a distracting game to play when the subway is taking forever - watching the giant rat scurrying along on the track towards you and wondering if it's now big enough to leap up onto the platform - but I'm kinda getting sick of that game. It's fumigation time, or at least, how about some target practice for those sharpshooters? I believe the rats are now big enough to simulate midget terrorists.
Only one form of entertainment per subway car.
I actually kind of enjoy those brothers in the cowboy hats playing what sounds like mariachi, but I really hate when two musical acts compete in one subway car. Or someone is singing on one end of the car, and on the other end of the car, someone else is preaching (in my experience, the preaching is usually not of an uplifting note). I suggest a battle-of-the-bands type competition for these in-car subway performers and the winner gets perennial subway car domination. And as for the preachers, they should have a talk-off, and whoever can go on the longest, that sole preacher winner may continue.
No running for the Shuttle.
The fucking S train comes every 2 minutes so no running for it and pushing others aside and acting like you have somewhere SO important to be that an additional 2 minutes will ruin your super-important, super-fast-paced little life.
No cutting your nails on the subway.
This is not a joke. I have had to endure this before. When someone is eating something that has a disgusting smell, and you are stuck in the same miserable subway car, please remember that it could be worse. Again, I'd rather someone have their feet up, or spill their open container of coffee on my face, then have to be squished next to or near someone cutting their nails. If I ever get hit by a stray, I'm suing the MTA.
No sneezing and then putting your sneezey hand back onto the pole.
I always try not to touch anything on the subway with my bare hands, but it's hard to balance. I'll admit that I'm somewhat germaphobic so being trapped in a space with no air circulation is not ideal, but this seems like a reasonable request, no? If you sneeze or cough, and you put your receiving sneeze or cough hand onto any part of the subway, you should be shot.
That's all I have time for now. I know things could be worse, NYC's public transportation could be Boston's the "T" (what a joke), but I still think our subways could use some improvement, with my rules incorporated for this to be accomplished. I'm curious to see if the MTA's new rules are going to stick and if there really is going to be an increased police presence to enforce them (or are they too busy performing non-random bag searches?). I guess I'll find out soon enough, the next time I bring a full coffee mug onto the subway or put my feet up on the person next to me. I'll keep you posted.
Moving in between subway cars using the end doors is now prohibited at all times.
I approve of this rule. I'm glad that they realized that standing on that tiny piece of platform in between cars with only a loose chain link nothingness to hold onto isn't safe. But there is one problem - if for any reason you really need to change cars (no AC in the subway car you chose in the summer, a terrible horrible no good smell in the subway car you chose in any season, etc), what to do? I've tried to change subway cars through the normal doors, when the train has arrived at a stop destination, and I may very well be retarded, but there doesn't seem to be enough time. It's happened to me before - I step out of my subway car and run to another car, only to have the doors close in my face. And I scan the cars to find the closest conductor fellow, and I swear, he's always looking right at me, stifling a laugh.
Jumping the turnstile is not permitted, even if your MetroCard or the turnstile malfunctions.
This is funny. Did people really jump the turnstile, get caught, and blame their MetroCard? I thought only hooligans sans MetroCards jumped the turnstile. I'm kidding, sort of. But seriously, maybe they should work on the acute sensitivity of the scanning device, because it is quite annoying when you can see that your train is arriving and you get the dreaded "please swipe again at this turnstile" message. I've gotten quite adept at swiping, but those tourist folks have real problems - they swipe too fast, too slow, or in the wrong direction - and it often holds up the line.
Riders cannot place bags on an empty seat.
Well, duh. Do people really do this when the train is crowded? I mean, I understand putting your bag next to you if there are a ton of empty seats and no one wants to sit there, but this rule seems unnecessary. I think I'm correct in my assumption that if a New Yorker wants to sit down and there is a bag on the seat, he/she is not afraid to say, "excuse me" while nodding at the offending bag, or even "hey douchebag, pick up your motherfucking bag, I'm tired and I need to sit down." When the car is crowded, people will just sit on top of your bag. People don't even ask you to move over anymore, they often just squeeze into the lilliputian space in between you and another person and hope for the best.
Riders cannot put their feet up on other chairs or take up more than one seat by spreading one's legs apart.
This rule sounds dirty. Obviously no one should put their feet up, but how do you assess if someone's legs are spread too much apart? Is the Transit Authority going to walk around with rulers, measuring the space between your knees? Ick.
Sipping from an open container (even a cup of coffee) is prohibited.
We've arrived at the rule that the News chose to tease in the promo, and it makes sense, given that our culture is coffee-obsessed. I include myself in that category, I get lame, probably psychosomatic, caffeine-headaches when I skip my morning cup. But who drinks coffee from an open container on the subway? I'm assuming that the little peep hole in the plastic tops doesn't count as an "open container" so let's be frank, MTA, this really applies to alcohol, doesn't it? And so, the question remains, is it still considered an "open container" when a nice, sturdy, brown paper bag is surrounding it? I think we need some clarification. We also need clarification on the overall rule, since one publication I read seemed to imply that no beverages were allowed on the subway at all anymore, and that seems unreasonable.
Along with alerting us passengers of the new rules, the MTA reiterated that the NYPD and Transit Authority will be, starting on December 5th, strongly enforcing all the rules, new and old. I can think of a couple other/better things for the NYPD to be doing, but I guess that's not my call to make. So it is with this "promise of reinforcement" in mind that I present to you -
My Recommendations for Additional New Rules:
No urinating, no masturbating, no throwing up, and no falling asleep due to intoxication and then resting your head on my shoulder.
For some reason, all four of these activities bother me more than say, someone's bag on the seat or someone's legs not tightly shut.
No rats on the subway tracks.
Here's a tip, MTA. When the rats are actually bigger in size than Michael Bloomberg, it's time to address the problem. Granted it's sort of a distracting game to play when the subway is taking forever - watching the giant rat scurrying along on the track towards you and wondering if it's now big enough to leap up onto the platform - but I'm kinda getting sick of that game. It's fumigation time, or at least, how about some target practice for those sharpshooters? I believe the rats are now big enough to simulate midget terrorists.
Only one form of entertainment per subway car.
I actually kind of enjoy those brothers in the cowboy hats playing what sounds like mariachi, but I really hate when two musical acts compete in one subway car. Or someone is singing on one end of the car, and on the other end of the car, someone else is preaching (in my experience, the preaching is usually not of an uplifting note). I suggest a battle-of-the-bands type competition for these in-car subway performers and the winner gets perennial subway car domination. And as for the preachers, they should have a talk-off, and whoever can go on the longest, that sole preacher winner may continue.
No running for the Shuttle.
The fucking S train comes every 2 minutes so no running for it and pushing others aside and acting like you have somewhere SO important to be that an additional 2 minutes will ruin your super-important, super-fast-paced little life.
No cutting your nails on the subway.
This is not a joke. I have had to endure this before. When someone is eating something that has a disgusting smell, and you are stuck in the same miserable subway car, please remember that it could be worse. Again, I'd rather someone have their feet up, or spill their open container of coffee on my face, then have to be squished next to or near someone cutting their nails. If I ever get hit by a stray, I'm suing the MTA.
No sneezing and then putting your sneezey hand back onto the pole.
I always try not to touch anything on the subway with my bare hands, but it's hard to balance. I'll admit that I'm somewhat germaphobic so being trapped in a space with no air circulation is not ideal, but this seems like a reasonable request, no? If you sneeze or cough, and you put your receiving sneeze or cough hand onto any part of the subway, you should be shot.
That's all I have time for now. I know things could be worse, NYC's public transportation could be Boston's the "T" (what a joke), but I still think our subways could use some improvement, with my rules incorporated for this to be accomplished. I'm curious to see if the MTA's new rules are going to stick and if there really is going to be an increased police presence to enforce them (or are they too busy performing non-random bag searches?). I guess I'll find out soon enough, the next time I bring a full coffee mug onto the subway or put my feet up on the person next to me. I'll keep you posted.
posted by Susan Goldberg at 2:03 PM
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