Grudgey McGrudgerson
I hold grudges and I hold them well. I might forgive, but I never forget. This is a quality that I wish I didn't have. It's exhausting. But I can't help it. If someone wrongs me, the memory of the grudge-inducing incident continues to creep into my mind, forever.
Two quick examples:
(1) When I was a little kid, I had playdates with a girl in my building named Kimberly. One day she told me I was fat. And not just like one offhanded comment. She so convinced me that I was fat that, according to my Mom, for the next year I was totally self-conscious about it and would only wear baggy clothing. To a girl that was already a tomboy to begin with, this was bad news. I didn't even remember this whole thing, but my Mom reminded me about it a couple years ago, at which point I entered into grudge-zone against Kimberly. It's really sad, that first moment when you're young, and you figure out about weight and all the negativity and superficiality surrounding how people look. Plus, here's the kicker, Kimberly was fat! She totally took out all her fat anger on me. And she was older than me, so she totes knew what she was doing. She doesn't still reside at the country house, but sometimes I stare wistfully into the courtyard, and I think about Kimberly and how if I saw her now, I'd be like, "Yo bitch, I wore baggy sweatpants for a whole year because of you."
(2) Here's what I expect from a good friend. If said friend is baking brownies, this friend should NOT wait until after I've taken a couple spoonfuls of batter and eaten an entire warm, delicious brownie to tell me that she's making POT brownies. That's not cool. Or funny. Well, it's funny to you maybe, but it wasn't funny later that night when I woke up with heart palpitations and my college roommate said I looked green and she had to talk me down from my brilliant idea of going to the hospital with "pot brownie overdose." I just think it's fucked up that my friend didn't tell me beforehand that she was putting DRUGS into the brownies because if I had known, I would have obviously only had one spoonful of batter and like, half a brownie, max. So I hold a grudge against this friend. But not against brownies.
Lately, though, I've been thinking about how life is too short for me to hold onto all this anger and resentment. It's unnecessary. But then I had another thought that trumped the rising above it sentiment which is, Tuesdays are often brutally slow and boring. So maybe I'll be productive and use this blog post to focus all my grudge energy onto those who really deserve it - celebrities.
Brangelina - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are gross. I guess I understand falling out of love and falling in love with someone else, but have some class. Don't do a W Magazine spread dripping with sex and domesticity before the divorce is finalized. And don't parade your philanthropic efforts and babies in my face. I hope Brad builds her an eco-international-Cambodian-peace-palace and she leaves him for the stunt coordinator on Lara Croft VI.
Patrick Ewing - Thanks so much for your tiny hands and the lack of a Knicks championship, Patrick. And no, I don't hold John Starks responsible at all, because he's adorable.
TV Heartache - To all the network executives who cancelled the most brilliant TV shows after just one perfect nugget of a season (My So-Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, etc) - damn you! I hope your Dante's Inferno-inspired fate is to live in a purgatory that consists of watching an endless stream of Freddie, Joey, Two and a Half Men, That's So Raven, and Dancing with the Stars.
Bill O'Reilly - Oh no you di-int talk smack about my boy Clooney. O'Reilly should leave Clooney and Stephen Colbert out of his talking points. If not, I'll be forced to remind him about his sex scandal, the lack of Weapons of Mass Destruction, the Hurricane Victims, the endless tally of soldiers dying in Iraq, and that fact that he's an ugo.
Tom Cruise - Tom Cruise is a freak. But that's not why I hold a grudge against him. And it's not based on the sad truth that's he's a robot, talking only in an inarticulate rehearsed babble. And it's not just because he brainwashed Katie Holmes and implanted a Scientology baby in her womb. It's not because he's doing bad movies. Or because he ruined Oprah's couch. And it's not because his constant smiling actually scares me. This is why - Tom should know better than to weigh in on the debate about how to treat post-partum depression. Because I bet his Mama has it right now.
Billy Crudup - Leaving an 8-months pregnant Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes? Really? I bet Billy Crudup will soon hold a grudge against himself, for that's just plain dumb.
Janet Jackson's Nipple - This nip exposure allowed Conservatives to gain momentum and caused the FCC to go on a censoring binge that still exists today. Television needs adult language and partial nudity and frankly, the nipple ruined what I thought was a nice collabo with JT.
Aaron Sorkin - Maybe my grudge should be against NBC or freebasing, but The West Wing just hasn't been the same without Sorkin.
Joe Simpson - You're the worst entertainment svengali since Backstreet Boys & 'N Sync puppetmaster Lou Pearlman. And you messed with Nick & Jessica. Boo on you.
Roger Federer - He makes every tennis tournament boring. Come on, fucking lose already. Let Andy Roddick have a happy tantrum for once.
Well, that's all the grudge time I have for today. I hope you know that part of the reason I have to focus on these celebrities grudges - mere trifles and obviously not of real importance - is because I can't really discuss my substantial life grudges against friends or colleagues on this blog. That would be dangerous since I'm not sure who exactly is reading this. Plus, I'd much rather bottle up these grudges and let them stew inside of me. And then one day, I'll just let them all out. Perhaps it will be in a Yoga class when I just let everything go. Did you know that I'm supposed to take Yoga for my back and also because a doctor once told me that I was too tense - she said that if I didn't take Yoga, I'd die of a heart attack. I hold a grudge against that bitch. (Yeah, I stopped taking Yoga). But one day I'll let all these grudges go. I need to make room for new grudges!
Two quick examples:
(1) When I was a little kid, I had playdates with a girl in my building named Kimberly. One day she told me I was fat. And not just like one offhanded comment. She so convinced me that I was fat that, according to my Mom, for the next year I was totally self-conscious about it and would only wear baggy clothing. To a girl that was already a tomboy to begin with, this was bad news. I didn't even remember this whole thing, but my Mom reminded me about it a couple years ago, at which point I entered into grudge-zone against Kimberly. It's really sad, that first moment when you're young, and you figure out about weight and all the negativity and superficiality surrounding how people look. Plus, here's the kicker, Kimberly was fat! She totally took out all her fat anger on me. And she was older than me, so she totes knew what she was doing. She doesn't still reside at the country house, but sometimes I stare wistfully into the courtyard, and I think about Kimberly and how if I saw her now, I'd be like, "Yo bitch, I wore baggy sweatpants for a whole year because of you."
(2) Here's what I expect from a good friend. If said friend is baking brownies, this friend should NOT wait until after I've taken a couple spoonfuls of batter and eaten an entire warm, delicious brownie to tell me that she's making POT brownies. That's not cool. Or funny. Well, it's funny to you maybe, but it wasn't funny later that night when I woke up with heart palpitations and my college roommate said I looked green and she had to talk me down from my brilliant idea of going to the hospital with "pot brownie overdose." I just think it's fucked up that my friend didn't tell me beforehand that she was putting DRUGS into the brownies because if I had known, I would have obviously only had one spoonful of batter and like, half a brownie, max. So I hold a grudge against this friend. But not against brownies.
Lately, though, I've been thinking about how life is too short for me to hold onto all this anger and resentment. It's unnecessary. But then I had another thought that trumped the rising above it sentiment which is, Tuesdays are often brutally slow and boring. So maybe I'll be productive and use this blog post to focus all my grudge energy onto those who really deserve it - celebrities.
Brangelina - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are gross. I guess I understand falling out of love and falling in love with someone else, but have some class. Don't do a W Magazine spread dripping with sex and domesticity before the divorce is finalized. And don't parade your philanthropic efforts and babies in my face. I hope Brad builds her an eco-international-Cambodian-peace-palace and she leaves him for the stunt coordinator on Lara Croft VI.
Patrick Ewing - Thanks so much for your tiny hands and the lack of a Knicks championship, Patrick. And no, I don't hold John Starks responsible at all, because he's adorable.
TV Heartache - To all the network executives who cancelled the most brilliant TV shows after just one perfect nugget of a season (My So-Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, etc) - damn you! I hope your Dante's Inferno-inspired fate is to live in a purgatory that consists of watching an endless stream of Freddie, Joey, Two and a Half Men, That's So Raven, and Dancing with the Stars.
Bill O'Reilly - Oh no you di-int talk smack about my boy Clooney. O'Reilly should leave Clooney and Stephen Colbert out of his talking points. If not, I'll be forced to remind him about his sex scandal, the lack of Weapons of Mass Destruction, the Hurricane Victims, the endless tally of soldiers dying in Iraq, and that fact that he's an ugo.
Tom Cruise - Tom Cruise is a freak. But that's not why I hold a grudge against him. And it's not based on the sad truth that's he's a robot, talking only in an inarticulate rehearsed babble. And it's not just because he brainwashed Katie Holmes and implanted a Scientology baby in her womb. It's not because he's doing bad movies. Or because he ruined Oprah's couch. And it's not because his constant smiling actually scares me. This is why - Tom should know better than to weigh in on the debate about how to treat post-partum depression. Because I bet his Mama has it right now.
Billy Crudup - Leaving an 8-months pregnant Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes? Really? I bet Billy Crudup will soon hold a grudge against himself, for that's just plain dumb.
Janet Jackson's Nipple - This nip exposure allowed Conservatives to gain momentum and caused the FCC to go on a censoring binge that still exists today. Television needs adult language and partial nudity and frankly, the nipple ruined what I thought was a nice collabo with JT.
Aaron Sorkin - Maybe my grudge should be against NBC or freebasing, but The West Wing just hasn't been the same without Sorkin.
Joe Simpson - You're the worst entertainment svengali since Backstreet Boys & 'N Sync puppetmaster Lou Pearlman. And you messed with Nick & Jessica. Boo on you.
Roger Federer - He makes every tennis tournament boring. Come on, fucking lose already. Let Andy Roddick have a happy tantrum for once.
Well, that's all the grudge time I have for today. I hope you know that part of the reason I have to focus on these celebrities grudges - mere trifles and obviously not of real importance - is because I can't really discuss my substantial life grudges against friends or colleagues on this blog. That would be dangerous since I'm not sure who exactly is reading this. Plus, I'd much rather bottle up these grudges and let them stew inside of me. And then one day, I'll just let them all out. Perhaps it will be in a Yoga class when I just let everything go. Did you know that I'm supposed to take Yoga for my back and also because a doctor once told me that I was too tense - she said that if I didn't take Yoga, I'd die of a heart attack. I hold a grudge against that bitch. (Yeah, I stopped taking Yoga). But one day I'll let all these grudges go. I need to make room for new grudges!
posted by Susan Goldberg at 3:03 PM
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