Something Like A Phenomenon
I was walking down the street yesterday and passed a man who turned to me and said, "I'd do you." As I quickened my pace, I looked down at myself in my third tier jeans, a baggy sweatshirt, no make-up, no hair products, paler than usual because I was a little under the weather (home sick from work), and I laughed.
I walk to work every morning and this type of thing is not so rare for me anymore. Last week, a guy called out to me, "Hey baby, boogie woogie," and then sort of grunted. I spent the next block wondering if that was a come-on or if he was merely remarking on my gym-induced-limp-walk. During my walks to work, I've also gotten my fair amount of whistles from delivery men on bikes and even the cliched R-rated shouts from construction workers. At first I felt like Miranda on Sex and the City - when the guy in the sandwich costume said "eat me" every time she walked by - alarmed and somewhat disgusted. But the more it happened, I must admit I mostly got used to it. I also realized that these statements aren't harmful, and maybe it says something about New York City that the characters you encounter on the streets are so complimentary. Alright, that may be a stretch, but I have to say, sometimes the comments are kind of a nice confidence booster so early in the morning when I'm tired and invariably disheveled and about to face 9 hours or more at the office.
I also think it's necessary to put this in a larger context. Less than a block after the man told me he'd like to "do me" yesterday, a cute young guy about my age walked by me, I smiled at him, and he looked down, seeming not to notice me. This is partly why I'm forced to look on the bright side of the sexual harassment by the crazies on the street. I mean, at least they are making an effort. The first move, if you will. That's more than I can say for some people. Wait wait, before you jump to any conclusions, I am not done adding context to this.
Over the course of this past weekend, two guys gave me their phone numbers. This has never happened to me before - a guy giving me his phone number instead of asking me for mine - so I think it is quite interesting that it happened twice in 48 hours. I am party amused, partly confused, and party angered by this. The first time it happened, the guy was like, "hey, we should hang out sometime, here, take my number." I was pretty taken aback but there was no time to process, so I just dutifully took out my phone and punched in the digits. I think I even said to him, laughing, "Okay, but I'm not going to call you" to which he responded, "No, please, I want you to" as he gently held onto my arm. When I thought about it later, I wondered if maybe he didn't have his cell phone with him, but I think that is too logical, that's the easy, rational explanation. I think there's more to it than that, especially since two different guys employed this method.
When you think about it, it's a pretty smart play on the part of the guy. He's sort of making the first move because he initiates the idea of spending further time together, but he takes the actual responsibility off himself and puts it onto the unsuspecting female (in this case, Moi). By offering me his phone number, the guy is now protected against the future - losing his nerve, changing his mind, remembering what he liked about me, remembering how he acted in front of me - and the choice, dilemma, risk, - they're all now on me. Woof.
I've heard the claims from guys before that it's really not easy being them in the dating world. As much as we women complain about our end of the deal, guys constantly point out that the pressure is on them - how do they know we want them to call, how do they know we'll agree to go out with them, how do they know we want them to go in for the kiss. I feel some sympathy for you dudes, a tiny bit, I do. And I'd like to state for the record that I'm progressive - I think women can and should ask men out and make the first move whenever they want. And I probably will call these guys (especially because each of them made it clear that they want me to). I just don't think this is an acceptable change to the dating norms. Because it's like the one thing that guys have to do - call us first. Women, on the other hand, we have to: do our hair, do our make-up, wear hurty shoes, get waxed, wear a different outfit every time, walk the walk of shame, take birth control, and try not to let our equal opportunity selves judge them harshly if they don't pay on the first date.
I must admit that I do now have a better understanding of what it's like to be the one with the phone number. It's simultaneously empowering and stressful. It's definitely nice to have prospects, so I'm not complaining about that, I just hope I don't find out that giving a girl your phone number is code for platonic playdates. And I wonder if now that it's happened to me twice, I will have the wherewithall next time to not just stare at the guy quizzically, instead I'll say, "why don't you take my number instead." But who knows. I guess only time will tell if I really do prefer the "will he call me" anxiety to "will he pick up his phone when I call him and what should I say if he does or what message should I leave on his voicemail and what if he doesn't remember me" anxiety. I just think it might be a dire status quo in the dating world if randos on the street are more willing to make the first move with me than the guys I've just spent considerable time flirting with. Sometimes, I think it's all bullshit, and I am nostalgic for the days of arranged marriage because really, I just want to get on with my life.
I walk to work every morning and this type of thing is not so rare for me anymore. Last week, a guy called out to me, "Hey baby, boogie woogie," and then sort of grunted. I spent the next block wondering if that was a come-on or if he was merely remarking on my gym-induced-limp-walk. During my walks to work, I've also gotten my fair amount of whistles from delivery men on bikes and even the cliched R-rated shouts from construction workers. At first I felt like Miranda on Sex and the City - when the guy in the sandwich costume said "eat me" every time she walked by - alarmed and somewhat disgusted. But the more it happened, I must admit I mostly got used to it. I also realized that these statements aren't harmful, and maybe it says something about New York City that the characters you encounter on the streets are so complimentary. Alright, that may be a stretch, but I have to say, sometimes the comments are kind of a nice confidence booster so early in the morning when I'm tired and invariably disheveled and about to face 9 hours or more at the office.
I also think it's necessary to put this in a larger context. Less than a block after the man told me he'd like to "do me" yesterday, a cute young guy about my age walked by me, I smiled at him, and he looked down, seeming not to notice me. This is partly why I'm forced to look on the bright side of the sexual harassment by the crazies on the street. I mean, at least they are making an effort. The first move, if you will. That's more than I can say for some people. Wait wait, before you jump to any conclusions, I am not done adding context to this.
Over the course of this past weekend, two guys gave me their phone numbers. This has never happened to me before - a guy giving me his phone number instead of asking me for mine - so I think it is quite interesting that it happened twice in 48 hours. I am party amused, partly confused, and party angered by this. The first time it happened, the guy was like, "hey, we should hang out sometime, here, take my number." I was pretty taken aback but there was no time to process, so I just dutifully took out my phone and punched in the digits. I think I even said to him, laughing, "Okay, but I'm not going to call you" to which he responded, "No, please, I want you to" as he gently held onto my arm. When I thought about it later, I wondered if maybe he didn't have his cell phone with him, but I think that is too logical, that's the easy, rational explanation. I think there's more to it than that, especially since two different guys employed this method.
When you think about it, it's a pretty smart play on the part of the guy. He's sort of making the first move because he initiates the idea of spending further time together, but he takes the actual responsibility off himself and puts it onto the unsuspecting female (in this case, Moi). By offering me his phone number, the guy is now protected against the future - losing his nerve, changing his mind, remembering what he liked about me, remembering how he acted in front of me - and the choice, dilemma, risk, - they're all now on me. Woof.
I've heard the claims from guys before that it's really not easy being them in the dating world. As much as we women complain about our end of the deal, guys constantly point out that the pressure is on them - how do they know we want them to call, how do they know we'll agree to go out with them, how do they know we want them to go in for the kiss. I feel some sympathy for you dudes, a tiny bit, I do. And I'd like to state for the record that I'm progressive - I think women can and should ask men out and make the first move whenever they want. And I probably will call these guys (especially because each of them made it clear that they want me to). I just don't think this is an acceptable change to the dating norms. Because it's like the one thing that guys have to do - call us first. Women, on the other hand, we have to: do our hair, do our make-up, wear hurty shoes, get waxed, wear a different outfit every time, walk the walk of shame, take birth control, and try not to let our equal opportunity selves judge them harshly if they don't pay on the first date.
I must admit that I do now have a better understanding of what it's like to be the one with the phone number. It's simultaneously empowering and stressful. It's definitely nice to have prospects, so I'm not complaining about that, I just hope I don't find out that giving a girl your phone number is code for platonic playdates. And I wonder if now that it's happened to me twice, I will have the wherewithall next time to not just stare at the guy quizzically, instead I'll say, "why don't you take my number instead." But who knows. I guess only time will tell if I really do prefer the "will he call me" anxiety to "will he pick up his phone when I call him and what should I say if he does or what message should I leave on his voicemail and what if he doesn't remember me" anxiety. I just think it might be a dire status quo in the dating world if randos on the street are more willing to make the first move with me than the guys I've just spent considerable time flirting with. Sometimes, I think it's all bullshit, and I am nostalgic for the days of arranged marriage because really, I just want to get on with my life.
posted by Susan Goldberg at 3:38 PM
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