Lizzie Grubman & Tequila
Due to exhaustion*, I'm having trouble formulating thoughts into a cohesive blog post so forgive me for recounting this past Wednesday out of sequence and in little numbered paragraphs.
*The cause of exhaustion is two-fold (1) A fitful night's sleep on Wednesday due to alcohol consumption (more on that in a minute) and (2) Waking up at 7:00am this morning to make my 8:30am dentist appointment in the Bronx - my dentist is a family friend and don't forget this - the Goldbergs will travel for a deal.
The 5 Things I Learned on Wednesday October 26th (aka the day of my company's off site staff meeting and subsequent open bar after party)
(1) A Hangover at 9:00am is Bad News...
Besides the obvious reason - waking up early sucks in general - at 9:00am, one's hangover food options are much more limited. I needed to eat so I could drink coffee (due to my sensitive tummy) but it was too early for fries, and the thought of eggs made me gag, so I decided to go with PB & J. It was a good decision. I say that because I didn't throw up PB & J later in the day, but I will also say this - deli employees do not know how to make PB & J properly. Have those little men behind the counter ever had a peanut butter & jelly sandwich? Because if they were connoisseurs like I am, they'd know that there actually does not need to be two inches of peanut butter and jelly dripping out the sides. I'm just sayin. People all around me at work were struggling on Wednesday, there was actually sort of a bonding, communal hangover throughout the office. I saw co-workers gulping water, injecting coffee thru an IV, eating Wendy's, napping underneath their desks, anything to make the spinning stop.
(2) Once In A Blue Moon, I Can Consume More Than 2 Drinks...
As all of you know, and tease me about, and dare me to defy on a regular basis, I have a ridiculously low tolerance. Seriously, Punky Brewster can drink more than I can. And not Soleil Moon Frye, I'm talking, old-school Punky at like age 11 when she was dared to drink this disgusting alcohol/pill/mustard drink to join the cool kids clique. However, on Wednesday, I drank, a lot, for me.
Check it out:
- 1 tall Sapporo beer on tap
- 2 Stoli Ras & Sodas
- 1 Lemon Drop Shot
- 1 SoCo and Lime Shot
- 1 tequila on the rocks with Lime
- 1 Heineken
How do you like dem apples?! It's risky for me to make public such a list because I will be held accountable in the future, but I am proud of myself. And I will withstand the peer pressure because I am perfectly aware that this night was an aberration, not a sign of newfound tolerance. I am still the child of a man who is basically allergic to alcohol and a woman who gets buzzed from one glass of wine. It is who I am. But on Wednesday, I was able to escape from the confines of my normal status (suffering from social ADD and getting drunk off the mere suggestion of alcohol) and drink right along with my alcoholic peers. Apparently a day of work presentations and meetings can drive anyone to drink, even little ol' me.
(2a) Patron - the tequila, not a person in a restaurant - is Tasty...
Like a lot of you out there, I used to despise tequila. I hold a grudge like nobody's business and I've hated tequila since I did a series of shots freshmen year of college and spent the rest of the night holding onto a toilet bowl for dear life. But it turns out, there is a difference between fancy tequila and cheap tequila. I liken it to the difference between Rob Lowe and Emilio Estevez. Like Emilio Estevez, cheap tequila is quite necessary sometimes (The Breakfast Club) and a guilty pleasure (Mighty Ducks), sometimes it makes you cry (St. Elmo's Fire) and sometimes you are horrified that you drink it (Young Guns II). On the other hand, like Rob Lowe, Patron is hot (About Last Night), classy (The West Wing) and sort of sexy (1988 Republican Convention). Plus, I had Patron on the rocks with lime, and anything with lime is delicious I've decided. It's still tequila though, so Rob can still make you cry (St. Elmo's Fire, leaving The West Wing, all those TV movies) but it's not cheap tequila, it's not the $4 bottle of tequila that I took shots from freshmen year in college. No, that tequila, ridiculously cheap tequila, the kind where you can taste regret in your mouth as it's going down, that's more like Chad Lowe.
(3) Lizzie Grubman is tanner than I am...
I know what you're thinking - some albinos are tanner than I am. This may be true. But please add Lizzie Grubman to the list of people who are more tan than I am because I saw her in person and it's a fact. Apparently, she and I go to the same venue for happy hour. You can spot her a mile away, her peroxide hair is like a beacon that finds your cornea in a crowd. Also, when she walks, a beeping noise - like the ones that trucks make when they back up - blares for a 20-foot radius so the little blond bobblehead won't run you over in her SUV. Anyways, Lizzie and I both went to Haru on Park Ave South during happy hour on Wednesday. I went with a friend from work, I'll call her Shmarissa, to pre-game before the post-party. It's where I had my previously-mentioned tall Sapporo beer on tap. It's where I had moderately-priced chicken teriyaki and a piece of Shmarissa's spicy tuna roll which promptly caused me to have Sipowicz-like facial sweating. It's where we spotted a young guy with a ponytail reading "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus" two seats away from us at the bar. Little tip guy: CUT THE PONYTAIL OFF IF YOU WANT SOME VENUS. I don't really have much to report on Lizzie Grubman because I was profoundly distracted by the guy sitting next to Shmarissa who was spreading wasabe on his sushi with his hands.
(4) Pop Burger Is Gross...
Even late night, when I needed to eat it to soak up the liqs, I found the food at Pop Burger NOT good. I guess once you go JG Melons or PJ Clarke's, you really can't go back.
(5) Telling A Married Co-Worker That He Makes Your List of Top 3 Male Employees is Arguably Inappropriate...
I don't have anything to add to that.
The End.
P.S. I hope for his sake, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's cellmate isn't T-Bag from Fox's Prison Break.
*The cause of exhaustion is two-fold (1) A fitful night's sleep on Wednesday due to alcohol consumption (more on that in a minute) and (2) Waking up at 7:00am this morning to make my 8:30am dentist appointment in the Bronx - my dentist is a family friend and don't forget this - the Goldbergs will travel for a deal.
The 5 Things I Learned on Wednesday October 26th (aka the day of my company's off site staff meeting and subsequent open bar after party)
(1) A Hangover at 9:00am is Bad News...
Besides the obvious reason - waking up early sucks in general - at 9:00am, one's hangover food options are much more limited. I needed to eat so I could drink coffee (due to my sensitive tummy) but it was too early for fries, and the thought of eggs made me gag, so I decided to go with PB & J. It was a good decision. I say that because I didn't throw up PB & J later in the day, but I will also say this - deli employees do not know how to make PB & J properly. Have those little men behind the counter ever had a peanut butter & jelly sandwich? Because if they were connoisseurs like I am, they'd know that there actually does not need to be two inches of peanut butter and jelly dripping out the sides. I'm just sayin. People all around me at work were struggling on Wednesday, there was actually sort of a bonding, communal hangover throughout the office. I saw co-workers gulping water, injecting coffee thru an IV, eating Wendy's, napping underneath their desks, anything to make the spinning stop.
(2) Once In A Blue Moon, I Can Consume More Than 2 Drinks...
As all of you know, and tease me about, and dare me to defy on a regular basis, I have a ridiculously low tolerance. Seriously, Punky Brewster can drink more than I can. And not Soleil Moon Frye, I'm talking, old-school Punky at like age 11 when she was dared to drink this disgusting alcohol/pill/mustard drink to join the cool kids clique. However, on Wednesday, I drank, a lot, for me.
Check it out:
- 1 tall Sapporo beer on tap
- 2 Stoli Ras & Sodas
- 1 Lemon Drop Shot
- 1 SoCo and Lime Shot
- 1 tequila on the rocks with Lime
- 1 Heineken
How do you like dem apples?! It's risky for me to make public such a list because I will be held accountable in the future, but I am proud of myself. And I will withstand the peer pressure because I am perfectly aware that this night was an aberration, not a sign of newfound tolerance. I am still the child of a man who is basically allergic to alcohol and a woman who gets buzzed from one glass of wine. It is who I am. But on Wednesday, I was able to escape from the confines of my normal status (suffering from social ADD and getting drunk off the mere suggestion of alcohol) and drink right along with my alcoholic peers. Apparently a day of work presentations and meetings can drive anyone to drink, even little ol' me.
(2a) Patron - the tequila, not a person in a restaurant - is Tasty...
Like a lot of you out there, I used to despise tequila. I hold a grudge like nobody's business and I've hated tequila since I did a series of shots freshmen year of college and spent the rest of the night holding onto a toilet bowl for dear life. But it turns out, there is a difference between fancy tequila and cheap tequila. I liken it to the difference between Rob Lowe and Emilio Estevez. Like Emilio Estevez, cheap tequila is quite necessary sometimes (The Breakfast Club) and a guilty pleasure (Mighty Ducks), sometimes it makes you cry (St. Elmo's Fire) and sometimes you are horrified that you drink it (Young Guns II). On the other hand, like Rob Lowe, Patron is hot (About Last Night), classy (The West Wing) and sort of sexy (1988 Republican Convention). Plus, I had Patron on the rocks with lime, and anything with lime is delicious I've decided. It's still tequila though, so Rob can still make you cry (St. Elmo's Fire, leaving The West Wing, all those TV movies) but it's not cheap tequila, it's not the $4 bottle of tequila that I took shots from freshmen year in college. No, that tequila, ridiculously cheap tequila, the kind where you can taste regret in your mouth as it's going down, that's more like Chad Lowe.
(3) Lizzie Grubman is tanner than I am...
I know what you're thinking - some albinos are tanner than I am. This may be true. But please add Lizzie Grubman to the list of people who are more tan than I am because I saw her in person and it's a fact. Apparently, she and I go to the same venue for happy hour. You can spot her a mile away, her peroxide hair is like a beacon that finds your cornea in a crowd. Also, when she walks, a beeping noise - like the ones that trucks make when they back up - blares for a 20-foot radius so the little blond bobblehead won't run you over in her SUV. Anyways, Lizzie and I both went to Haru on Park Ave South during happy hour on Wednesday. I went with a friend from work, I'll call her Shmarissa, to pre-game before the post-party. It's where I had my previously-mentioned tall Sapporo beer on tap. It's where I had moderately-priced chicken teriyaki and a piece of Shmarissa's spicy tuna roll which promptly caused me to have Sipowicz-like facial sweating. It's where we spotted a young guy with a ponytail reading "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus" two seats away from us at the bar. Little tip guy: CUT THE PONYTAIL OFF IF YOU WANT SOME VENUS. I don't really have much to report on Lizzie Grubman because I was profoundly distracted by the guy sitting next to Shmarissa who was spreading wasabe on his sushi with his hands.
(4) Pop Burger Is Gross...
Even late night, when I needed to eat it to soak up the liqs, I found the food at Pop Burger NOT good. I guess once you go JG Melons or PJ Clarke's, you really can't go back.
(5) Telling A Married Co-Worker That He Makes Your List of Top 3 Male Employees is Arguably Inappropriate...
I don't have anything to add to that.
The End.
P.S. I hope for his sake, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's cellmate isn't T-Bag from Fox's Prison Break.
posted by Susan Goldberg at 4:11 PM
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